Gradually I’ve noticed I’ve been getting tugged along, getting entangled in all the Hollywood hype, and becoming ignorant. For me, it’s ignorant anyway, for some people it’s their job to know that kind of bullshit. Since day one I’ve always been the anti-media, not relatively giving two flying shits about anything going on other than whatever is in my own life, but as these days are hastening, and life is getting more dull. I find myself getting hitched by the obscenity that is the media. I never liked the t.v. unless it’s Family Guy or something entertaining like So You Think You Can Dance; I still stand firm on my belief that the t.v. is a just a plastic box made to brainwash the world. However, lately I’ve found myself watching channel E and actually knowing who and what they are gossiping about. I never liked the real type of gossip, but apparently if it’s about celebrities I don’t seem to care, because they don’t even seem human after a while. But that’s me getting hitched. In reality, I, without being ignorant, without being pulled away, without adhering to the media: am more mindful than that. I know that those celebrities are real human beings, and watching or reading things about them mindlessly, is like invading their privacy and as well being disrespectful to them as people. And either way, why should I care whatever is going on with them, I have my stuff to care about. It is entertaining nonetheless, but it’s kind of cynical don’t you think, finding the dismay of others as entertaining – it’s pathetic too. Of course that is my opinion.

I just came upon this mindlessness, and am now veering away from the stupid craze. Time to tune back into Discovery Channel, because that’s who I am: a big fat friggin nerd. I didn’t like what became of me while watching or reading the Hollywood blogs and such.

1. It made me forget about my life, and not in a good way like movies do

2. Sometimes, it made me feel shitty about myself – the Victoria Secret models and all

3. Knowing about people who don’t even know you exist, therefore fucking pointless and trivial

4. Took time away from better things I could be doing

5. Made me feel like my life is so boring

6. Made me desire things I normally wouldn’t ever

Word of advice: don’t get hitched. Don’t be a mindless adherent. We have to start using our central processing, meaning, using our noggin (brain), instead of peripherals. Do you know what are peripherals? That’s when you can see things from the corners of your eyes without having to really look at it, like you can be looking straight and still have an idea what’s going on on your left or right. Of course, peripherals aren’t clear, and most of the time we’re making assumptions about what’s going on, mindlessly just taking it in. Exactly like peripheral  processing (psychology terminology) which is a type of processing that doesn’t directly go through the cognitive system (central). Yeah, let’s change that mindlessness into mindfulness.

To those media frenzy people, I say “just fuck’em”.

So for our first year celebration of being together, my boyfriend gave me an early present! Our first year is actually on November 12, but he couldn’t wait. It’s a puppy! He decided not to surprise me with one, afraid I wouldn’t like the one he picked, so he told me earlier and I picked, and went to pick it up right after, on that same night. We had to ride the ferry into the mainland to get it. Sheep, he’s a toy poodle. He’s 3 months old, and not cheap at all. It’s the best present I’ve ever received! When I saw the groomers grooming up, I was filled the glee, screaming like a little girl. When they put him in my arms for the first time, he was shivering, and he looked scared, but it was at that moment, I felt like a mommy. I mean, taking on an animal is a lot of responsibility, especially one as young and small as Sheep-o. I refer back to psychology on this again, how to raise an infant, it’s quite similar in a way. We got all the necessary things, which racked up the bill even more. I was thinking, it’s not only the money my boyfriend is spending, he’s sacrificing because he has to take responsibility too. It’s as Anna said, so I heard, “it’ll make your relationship stronger” or “it’ll test your relationship”.  Something like that, but yeah, it’s true. It will.

First night back and my mom and cousins came over to see him. I had a psychology final the next day (which was today, and I think I did alright), I got him last night. I couldn’t focus and study, I was too focused on Sheep. We ended up getting him to sleep, he sleeps in our room in his little heart shaped cushion bed. I’m glad we had all those dogs in Canada, because I learned a lot from there about dog behavior and training. I took a lot more from psychology though, pretty much, I just treated sheep like an infant. I thought, you have to listen to his needs and respond properly. We researched stuff, and the seller told us a lot of info, but other things I think we’ll just have to learn as we go. Sheep woke us up at 5 am, I knew what he wanted. So we took him to go potty, but then he wanted to play! So Kenn stayed up to keep an eye on him for about 20 minutes while I tried to sleep, I needed to sleep to wake up again to continue studying. I couldn’t sleep, so I ended up waking up and taking care of him while Kenn went to bed. I studied with him on my lap, fed him, changed his water, cleaned his poop and pee, and eventually put him to sleep. It’s seriously like a baby! He even whines like a baby, and I can tell from his whine already what he wants. I take this life changing event as something good; it’s a good learning experience. And yes, I’ve already taken into account the finances, the sacrifices, and such. This pup is very fragile, but he’s smart! This means no long vacations, or going out too late. It’s like I’m already a mom, and now I have two babies to take care of! =)

We drove all the way back to the apartment, because I had forgotten to bring out enough money to grocery shop. It wasn’t too bad, it’s kind of on the way. I rushed upstairs with a couple things in mind: belt, medicine, bottle of water, and rm100. It’s typical that I forget, so I repeat it over in my head, like some annoying alarm clock. From the room, to the fridge, to out the door, I went in haste – I have no idea why I was rushing. Skip forward a couple minutes later, before we reach Tesco the grocery store, I check my pockets and to my dismay, I felt nothing. My pockets were empty! “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Where’s the money?! I put it in my pockets, and it’s fucking gone!” I exclaimed, panicking and filled with frustration. You see, I wore these short shorts today, and they’ve got mini pockets where things can easily just slide out. Luckily as I looked around the car seat I found one rm50 bill, but the other one was no where in sight. After reaching the store, we got out to look for it. We never found it.

I was angry, and thinking in my head how stupid I am. But then I recognized the self-talk, how negative I was being, and how it just made me feel worse. There’s something I learned in psychology, self-appraisals, it’s how to appraise a situation that can alter your mood. People who do stable internal (ability)  appraisals tend to be more pessimistic, whereas if one were to do unstable external (luck, chance) you’d be more optimistic. So I figured I’d practice that. And it works! I stopped blaming myself and feeling guilty, and just excused it saying it was bad luck, an accident. Although you might say it could have been prevented, and it was my fault, but that wouldn’t be positive now would it? At least I learned something: never put money into short shorts. They make the damn pockets so small! As well, Kenn told me some superstition saying that it’s like some sort of reciprocity with luck. I lost the money, but in turn fate changed something bad that would have happened to me. So instead of that “bad” thing happening, I lost my money instead. That’s kind of a good way to look at it, even if it is superstition, it gets the job done.

So the lesson is: it’s all about how we take situations that influence how we feel. If we think negatively, subsequently negative emotions will following in conjunction. Sometimes it helps to appraise situations as luck, even if it sounds corny. It gets the job done, and it relieves stress. Most laid back people think like that. That’s what stoners are like, and they are the most chill bunch of people I’ve ever met.

At the end of the day I ended up spending rm49 on groceries, and not buying everything I wanted to. However, it did force me to select necessities to buy, like milk and bread, and I skipped out on the miracle whip and cans of tuna.

someone once told me
that you have to choose
what you win or lose
you cant have everything
dont you take chances
you might feel the pain
dont you love in vain
cause love wont set you free
i could stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy but safe as could be

CHORUS
so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy, yea
just wanna be happy, yea

holding on tightly
just cant let it go
just tryna play my roll
slowly diasappear, oooh
well all these tears
they feel like theyre the same
just different faces, different names
get me outta here
well i can stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
pass me by

“To be or not to be, that is the question” Hamlet said this when questioning if he should take his own life or not. I don’t mean to take my own life, but rather I am questioning how should I continue living it, which is more or less of the same thing. You see, I’ve always had this undying thirst for knowledge, the truth, for wisdom, and all of that kinda “stuff”. It is unquenchable, and therefore propels me to keep living life in search of these answers. It is what drives me and makes me ‘in’sane. Mang, I used to not be able to sleep when I was thirteen because I’d think too much.I’d stay up wondering and thinking in my bed for hours, and even when lethargy stole or me, I used that stupor-like-ness to think of some even more crazier shit. The only way to sleep was to punish my wrists and go batshit on paper, which means writing out everything before I could sleep – pages and pages of writing.

I am sad to say, those days are long behind me. Suddenly, I have realized a part of my brain has shut off, and slowly been mimicking those around me. Life has become boring, like some routine, because well, that’s what it is! I despise it with the intensity of a thousand white hot suns. What ever happened to me, I used to be able to just sit and think and wonder, and I’d get lost in wonderment. I still do on occasions, when I’m alone, but I have to force it, it no longer becomes second nature for me to just ponder. And I know exactly why that is as well, although it is hard to assert in a way that won’t offend.

How does one remain intact with themselves and not lose their disposition in spite of someone else? Does that make sense? It’s like when your alone, your you, and when your with other people, you are also you, but with another persona, which may or may not be congruent with your real self. My point being: everybody acts differently when their alone. I juxtaposition two types of myself and compare. There is the older me, with constant highs and lows, infused with pleasure seeking tendencies, but a mind that knows no bounds; the current me is stable, sailing on a calm sea, tedious, and dying for thirst. I’m sailing on a sea… the old me would be fucking diving in without a gas tank and trying to discover as many things as I could; I’d see those glow-in-the-dark fishes with demon-like faces.

Dammit! Why won’t you let me go diving with the granny effing fishes?! It’s because you love me.