Dissonance of Self
De-individualization
Inner Paradox
Every note is playing off key, making the instrument as a whole, dysfunctional. The strings are vibrating viciously, inanely, out of it’s natural law, it’s as if the nature of it has been disarranged. Things are at a discordance, clustered, so much as that it is making my entire being: barren, stretched into a thin sheet of cellophane. Fragile, and yet impenetrable. It is an obscure imbalance. But naturally, there has always been an acknowledgement of the dissension that continuously lays dormant in the marrows of my bones–but this–this is an unbearable co-existence, a loathing of what I have noticeably seen, and gradually, adopted.
What has been adopted–no–what has intruded, literally barged it’s way into my tranquility, and the worst part is, I– I allowed the penetration, and even embodied traces of the invaders into my self.

It’s not merely a disconnection, but an agonizing disappointment, that I, stood out as a vacant lot, absurdly disposing of myself and gorged on the ample amount of frivolous interactions. The bulk of conversations and activities were trivial, there was no weight to any of the words spoken. The all so very eminent–brilliantly beaming abundance of majestic splendour–that we call words: they were flung, tossed around like fruitless seeds. No meat to them, only bone. The just of interactions were pretentiously, well, just pretentious.

In all the hysteria, all the incitation–I lost myself, I lost You. The self that liberates me from the worldly norms, away from material, and away from the measurable. In the inclination to re-prioritize the groups interests to accede my own, I had to waver my consideration into thinking about ‘us’, rather than ‘me’. In an uncomfortable disposition- where I’d have to consider what their beliefs were, and briefly take them as my own- I still had to retain myself.

No wonder: the veneer I placed to over layer me, existing only to conceal You–it started to embellish a face and form, all whilst beyond our knowing.

Sometimes, it happens: they peer together against you when something is desired, vices used like sympathy and the friendship itself to persuade you. The worst, the most revolting vice used, is the pretentious–worms burrowing under the skin disgusting–reminder of the so-called “obliged reciprocity”. I helped you out with that, so now you have to do this for me. When mentioned to me, inside, there is a picture frame that cracks, the picture of that person, because to me my image of them has been distorted. Each time, when the image of all I see good in them, is tinged, the glass frame cracks some more– and then it breaks! All the shattered glass gets stuck inside, cutting into the flesh- and I’ll… I will feel a pain stabbing internally. Everything will go blank.. just too deeply incinerated, too lost in the saddening moment- that fighting them is too unbearable. And so ..you, I mean I, will do the “expected” as my gift, because that’s what that person thinks friends should do, but along with the gift I’m tossing off, I’ve picked the shattered pieces and tossed them in there too.